Early morning catch up

Hello 6am.. long time no see. Let's try not to meet like this again.

yes, I am awake and it's 6 in the morning. Anyone who really knows me, knows that this is extremely abnormal. But don't worry, as soon as I finish complaining about being awake this early, I'm going back to bed. ;) As far as I'm concerned if it's still dark outside, then it's nighttime.

Of course I am awake because Ainsley decided to be. At first it sounded like she was crying for her daddy, but as I got closer I realized she was saying 'i want candy!'. Half asleep and bawling. What a weirdo. I think she must have had some bad dream where I wouldn't let her have any, lol. After calming her down I realized she had a poopy diaper, so I changed that. And while I was doing that she started up with the little cough she's been getting, so I went and got her some honey (hey, quick tip.. did you know that a tbsp of honey is proven to work better for a child's cold than any cold medicine.. it's true, my pediatrician told me). And then as I was putting her back in bed she found her water cup, and was sad that her ice had melted.. so i went and got her some ice. Three more hugs and two more kisses later... and she's back asleep.

I, however am currently in that land where I'm still exhausted but now wide awake. So what's a girl to do in this predicament? Why she blogs, don't you know. It's been a while since I've had a chance to sit down and write. As previously mentioned, I was in sunny California visiting the beaches and the happiest place on earth. Tom's sister just moved to Oceanside, and lives just blocks away from a weekly farmers market, cute little diners and cafe's, and other fun shops. I love it when you are able to walk to places from your house... seems so urban. Like living in NYC, where hardly anyone owns a car. The world is funny, how did we get to a place where small town equals cars and big city equals walking??

Anyhow.. I love walking. I HATE exercising... but I love going on walks.. especially if you are going somewhere. I will give up after 15 mins of a 30 min exercise video but I will walk 2 miles to get frozen yogurt or see a cute little shop. Well, Oceanside was great. Even got a chance to sneak away for a sushi roll down the street once. (yumm) Made me want to move again. Maybe not to CA, Tom thinks its too expensive... but maybe Seattle.. or some other coastal metropolis. Chances are I'll be in Utah for quite a long time.. but it's fun to dream.

Other than that, the beach was fun (also a quick walk away). Disneyland was hot, Tom complained the whole time, and I'm a little disappointed at missing most of the stuff I was excited to go there for... but, I'm letting that go. Ainsley had a great time and that's what matters, right?

Now we are up at the cabin for Tom's longed for extended stay. He will be working and sleeping, I will be baking! (let me know if you want to see pictures.. its gonna be so yummy) and reading, and perhaps even.. a walk. :)

and now... it is 7am.. so my friends.. it is back to bed for me. ciao.

Lucky Month

I don't want to get my hopes up and I dont want to jinx anything.. but I feel like this is a lucky month for me. This is the month 3 years ago I got pregnant with Ainsley. It is the 5th month I've been on this study they are doing on women who've had miscarriages and the nice lady there told me that the majority of the women who have done this study got pregnant on the 5th or 6th month. And.. sorry if this is too personal.. but I feel like Tom and I really hit it on the nose when trying to get pregnant this month. :) That's as much detail as I'll go into that. ;) So I'm feeling pretty good this month.

And now I'm about to embark on what promises to be a very nice couple of weeks. We got to Las Vegas to the in laws late last night and this morning the women of the family are taking off for Sunny California! The men are all being responsible and staying to work or go to school another day. The girls however decided we needed an extra day to go shopping. :) Then Friday is Beach and Saturday is Disneyland!! (I have refrained here from going on and on about how excited I am for Ainsley to go on that trip.. for that post see my regular blog later, lol) and then back to Vegas Sunday sometime. (ps, yeah, that's me with long brown hair from back in the day)

Then Monday.. (i know, i know, can there really be more??) we're leaving for his parents cabin for TWO WEEKS! How insane is that? Now that Tom is working remotely he can pretty much work wherever he has internet, and his favorite place in the world is the cabin.. he's been dreaming of going there for an extended amount of time for quite a while, so now that he's got the chance we're going.

I think it'll be relaxing, nice.. I'm going to make yummy food and try and convince myself to go on nice nature walks to work it off. Cuz my new monthly goal is that if I'm not going to be prego I might as well not be fat. lol. I've also brought my scrapbooking (I'm now only about a year behind) and the remains of a beading experiment gone wrong with the hopes of making a bunch of baby bracelets while I am there.

All in all, I'm feeling pretty good.. I'm focusing on the positives and trying to ignore some negative (i.e. me in a bathing suit with my skinny in laws, lol) and determined to enjoy this month. (Please enjoy the photograph below, depicting me.. determinately enjoying myself)

A cheerful, thankful post

ok, I feel like my last two posts have been kind of grumpy. I've decided I need to do a cheerful post.. this is supposed to be my thoughts blog, and after all, I do have cheerful thoughts. :) I think in general people would call me a cheerful person. I don't know why, when sitting down to write, all my grump comes out.

So, cheerful. :) I recently found a blog of a woman who, instead of talking about how depressing it was to deal with infertility, she wrote about all the good things in her life while she waited. So I decided to take a page from her book and think about how great my life is right now.

Some things that are great about just having one child..

1. Ainsley sleeps until at least 9am every day.. sometimes later, depending on how late we kept her up the night before. Most days I sleep until 9am too. It's so decadently lazy.. but i love it so much.. sleep is a beautiful thing.

2. Speaking of late nights, Ains is a total night owl like her parents. We frequently stay out on the town later than we really should because Ainsley does so well. Sometimes we just forget what time it is, and sometimes we know and don't really care because we are having so much fun with her.


3. Eating out. We LOVE to eat out, it's our biggest fault. All three of us. Ains has been a good diner pretty much her whole life. She's not hard to keep occupied while we wait for the food. And while, yes, there is usually quite a mess when we leave, there's no big screaming fit or throwing food.. and I figure a nice tip makes up for the mess. We never hesitate about taking her out to dinner with us.

4. I get to hold her as long as she'll let me. She's getting so big that most of the time she's too busy to sit still long enough, but she's starting to play 'baby' lately and she'll bring me her blankey and ask me to hold her. And there are days when waking up is hard to do and she wants me to hold her until she really gets there. I am so lucky to have the freedom to hold her as long as I can.

I guess it really just boils down to the fact that I get to really focus all my attention on my child. Sometimes I wonder how other people manage to spend time with each child once they have more than one. I'm sure I'll figure it out when it's time, but for now, it's such a luxury to be able to spend my time playing pretend, and reading, and stopping to talk about something serious with her when it comes up. I've gotten to really enjoy Ainsley, and the fun person she is, and give her my full attention.

I've always been one to bemoan what i wanted instead of embracing what I had. When I was single I only wanted to be married.. and then once I was married I could look back and think of how much fun I had and how much I had grown as a person while going to school and being on my own.


And then I was married and of course we hadn't been married long when I started to think fondly of the patter of little feet missing from our house.. and then once I became a mom I could look back and see all that Tom and I were able to do while it was just us. How we had time to get to know each other as spouses before learning to be parents. That we were able to smooth out a lot of the bumps of early married life and get to a really good place, so that when that bundle showed up we were better prepared to tackle new challenges together.

And now.. I sit here, with a beautiful daughter, a loving husband, a sweet life.. and I look around for whats next... but I'm going to try and nip this cycle in the bud. Life is much easier right now than it would be if I had a baby.. or even if I were pregnant. I've decided to be thankful for this extra precious time, rather than resentful for not having what I think I should right now.

Sure complications are the spice of life, and I will enjoy them when they come,.. but for now I will sit back and enjoy the simple pleasures.

Pity Party Pooper

"no one is available to chat" this is what it says right now on my instant messenger. It's 1:18am and everyone but me, it seems, is asleep. Or perhaps at some raging party. I however, am neither slumbering away or living it up. I'm sitting by myself on the couch in our living room with only the sounds of my fingers on the keyboard and the oscillating fan trying to cool down the room. And as I type this I release a big moody sigh.

As I sit here, I wonder.. "Why am I moody?" Who knows. I've been trying to figure that out since I was 16.. ok, 14. I was always a moody dramatic girl. I would write what I considered to be deep, soulful poems and think deep soulful, mostly self pitying thoughts. I met a blond boy at 16 and instantly fell, all those romance novels and saved up emotions came crashing down at once. And of course I instantly assumed he'd never like me, and spent the next couple of years bemoaning my fate and frequently embarrassing us both in the process. Looking back I wonder if I'd played it cool, talked to the kid like a normal person and not some groupie.. if things might have been different. The hilariously tragic thing I learned much later (when it was too late) was that his younger brother (that was my age) liked me all along, and ended up being the cooler of the boys.. much more to my liking when I really got to know them both. But I could never see something that positive. It's like I had 'poor me' glasses.. I can only see what makes me feel sorry for myself. There's something amazingly self indulgent about wallowing in your despair. It's almost got a delicious quality to it, to imagine yourself wronged, like some classic novel character.. its so much easier to sit and pity yourself than to actually get up and try and make something of your life.

It's like I've been waiting all this time for someone/something else to make me happy. But I'm coming to the realization that NO ONE and NOTHING can MAKE you happy, if you are determined to be miserable.. you will. No best friend, or boyfriend, or even baby can give you that self confidence, that validation.. if you are missing it inside. I went through a lot of relationships along the way looking for what I was missing. I eventually found a sweet man, who was convinced he could make me happy and really wanted to try. I got a wonderful husband, but no lightning bolt answer to all my problems. It's been quite the road to find the answers are up to me to find. And still, once I've found them I frequently have to remind myself what they are.. especially after one in the morning, when I'm the only one awake, and my neuroses rear up and I start to get my pity party planning committee together in my head.

I guess it's a lot like housekeeping.. I have to just keep chasing those demons out. A woman's job is never really done, there are always dishes to be done, laundry to be washed, and old ghosts to be swept from the premises.

Bittersweet

Why does seeing someone else happy make me sad? I've been down this road before and I can't believe I'm back again.

Today I went to the baby shower of my dear friend Anna. She's about a month shy of delivering her first child. She's 30 years old and tried for quite a while before finding out she was pregnant. She is one of my favorite people. Intelligent, funny, caring, cultured.. appreciative of all good things. I think she will be a wonderful mother and raise amazing children. I was totally rooting for her and was thrilled when I found out she was finally getting what she wanted.

And yet today.. at her sweet shower, with just her family and close friends I found myself squirming and trying to hard to look happy, and forcing back depressing thoughts and bitterness. I was suddenly falling down a deep hole inside myself as I realized that had I not had my most recent miscarriage I'd be due one week ahead of my sweet friend. It would've been so wonderful.. sharing pregnancy details, swapping complaints, and planning playdates with our perfect little bundles to be.. but instead every blanket, binky and outfit made the person inside her more real. Every pink present added to the picture of her holding a little bundle in her arms.. and it made my arms feel so empty, it was chipping away at my facade.

And I feel so guilty feeling this way.. I have my wonderful child. And I will admit it's not nearly as bad as it was the 2 years I was trying before she came along. There's something gut wrenching about wanting to be a mother and not being able to. Becoming a mother changes your life and who you are.. and when I wanted to be a mother.. everything about my life shouted at me that I wasn't. And part of me wonders if my sadness this time around comes partly from the echoes of that deep heartache.

Ainsley is the balm to my sadness.. her hugs and kisses and giggles heal cracks in my heart. I see her and think 'how dare I ask for more than the abundance which I have been given'... and then she talks about a sister or, after spending a day with one of my many pregnant friends, asks me if I have a baby in my tummy and I fall apart a little inside.

And yet again, there is my sunshine, my only sunshine, that is my darling little girl. I have so much with only her, and yet I also have so much more. And so now, at the end of my pity party ramblings I must remind myself of all my blessings, and so I'll sneak a peak at my sleeping child and suddenly feel better, so I can pack away the pain for now and try to focus on all that is good in the world.
thanks for listening.. whoever is out there..