Bittersweet

Why does seeing someone else happy make me sad? I've been down this road before and I can't believe I'm back again.

Today I went to the baby shower of my dear friend Anna. She's about a month shy of delivering her first child. She's 30 years old and tried for quite a while before finding out she was pregnant. She is one of my favorite people. Intelligent, funny, caring, cultured.. appreciative of all good things. I think she will be a wonderful mother and raise amazing children. I was totally rooting for her and was thrilled when I found out she was finally getting what she wanted.

And yet today.. at her sweet shower, with just her family and close friends I found myself squirming and trying to hard to look happy, and forcing back depressing thoughts and bitterness. I was suddenly falling down a deep hole inside myself as I realized that had I not had my most recent miscarriage I'd be due one week ahead of my sweet friend. It would've been so wonderful.. sharing pregnancy details, swapping complaints, and planning playdates with our perfect little bundles to be.. but instead every blanket, binky and outfit made the person inside her more real. Every pink present added to the picture of her holding a little bundle in her arms.. and it made my arms feel so empty, it was chipping away at my facade.

And I feel so guilty feeling this way.. I have my wonderful child. And I will admit it's not nearly as bad as it was the 2 years I was trying before she came along. There's something gut wrenching about wanting to be a mother and not being able to. Becoming a mother changes your life and who you are.. and when I wanted to be a mother.. everything about my life shouted at me that I wasn't. And part of me wonders if my sadness this time around comes partly from the echoes of that deep heartache.

Ainsley is the balm to my sadness.. her hugs and kisses and giggles heal cracks in my heart. I see her and think 'how dare I ask for more than the abundance which I have been given'... and then she talks about a sister or, after spending a day with one of my many pregnant friends, asks me if I have a baby in my tummy and I fall apart a little inside.

And yet again, there is my sunshine, my only sunshine, that is my darling little girl. I have so much with only her, and yet I also have so much more. And so now, at the end of my pity party ramblings I must remind myself of all my blessings, and so I'll sneak a peak at my sleeping child and suddenly feel better, so I can pack away the pain for now and try to focus on all that is good in the world.
thanks for listening.. whoever is out there..