ok, i need a new post. My pity party from last week is bugging me. We're back home now. Washington was fun. Cold. Ainsley had a great time with her cousins. It's so beautiful there. Amazingly green. The trees are so tall! They block out everything around them at times, its a funny feeling, like you could be miles away from civilization even if it's just around the corner. We went into downtown Seattle one day, and that was great. I was exhausted and pregnant and cranky, but I still love the beat of a city. It's amazing that I grew up in such small areas but I am SUCH a city girl at heart. I feel more alive walking around a downtown of a city, it's hard to explain the smells and sounds and sights. I love the great local boutiques and small bakeries and the street performers and all the different people from all over moving together in their own kind of pulse. It was a fun trip.
But I'm definitely glad to be back home. We got the tree up and most of our decorations today. All my friends are glad I'm home. I have plans with people who can't wait to see me. It's such a nice feeling to really be wanted. The rest of the year should be a blast. I'm starting to feel better. I have so many fun things coming up, and I just love Christmas time. It's magical.
Ok, deep breath. Feeling much better. Thanks. :)
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
the grump continues (short pity party to follow)
Man, am I in a bad mood. Which is sad. Because I'm in a beautiful place. For Thanksgiving we are in a beautiful 1920's victorian manor on the puget sound about 30 mins from Tacoma, Washington. It's gorgeous, it's right on the water, it's green everywhere. And I am in such a grump! I have complexes.. I'm aware. However I've learned that understanding the problem is 80% in your brain doesn't really make the problem go away. You'd think it would. And maybe it does for some people.. but no matter how many times I tell myself that the vibe I'm getting is just from my own lack of self-esteem and preconceived beliefs.. it still gets to me. I don't know why I have such an insatiable need to be liked. I don't know why I take everything personally. But right now I just wanna curl up and hide.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
no fun
I'm a big ol' whiner today.. so feel free to ignore me. I am just not having as much fun with this pregnancy as I did with Ainsley. I feel way more sick, and I think last time everything was so new, and I was so beyond thrilled that we finally got preg that I took every little thing as a badge of honor or something. This time I'm being a grump. I feel like, ok, I've done this.. lets get it over with. I just remember loving being pregnant. I felt all cute and happy and fulfilled. Now I just feel like me, except tired, nauseated and cranky. Maybe I just am not remembering correctly.. who knows. I feel so guilty.. one day this child will find out that I did not enjoy being pregnant with them like I did with their sister. I already have favorites! I'm a bad mom.
I'll be 10 weeks Monday, and I just keep telling myself that once I get out of this trimester things will look up. I had my first real appt last week and my midwife (yep, I'm going with a midwife again). was examining me and discovered that some muscles that part so your uterus can grow never went back together after Ains, and that's adding to the fact that I already look preg. I'm trying to blame it on the 'i popped early 2nd time around' thing. But whatever it is, I already feel big and gross.
Ok, cranky vent over. Sorry to be a downer again. I'll try to post something silly and happy later.
I'll be 10 weeks Monday, and I just keep telling myself that once I get out of this trimester things will look up. I had my first real appt last week and my midwife (yep, I'm going with a midwife again). was examining me and discovered that some muscles that part so your uterus can grow never went back together after Ains, and that's adding to the fact that I already look preg. I'm trying to blame it on the 'i popped early 2nd time around' thing. But whatever it is, I already feel big and gross.
Ok, cranky vent over. Sorry to be a downer again. I'll try to post something silly and happy later.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
heartsick
here come the hormones... I know I'm a hormonal person anyway.. but lets blame this on the pregnancy.
What is it about being awake late at night alone that makes me melancholy? I'm at my mom's house, and Tom is in Las Vegas working. I feel like everyone around me is falling apart.. ok, not everyone.. that's a little ridiculous.. but I can't believe how many people I know who's marriage is falling apart. People who have been together for years... people with kids.. how is it I am old enough that bunches of my friends are getting divorced?? I suppose I have been married for 6 years, which means that my friends that got married first have already hit the 'seven year itch'.. but it still seems so unreal to me.
In the beginning I think I tended to be more 'yeah, you go girl! You don't need him!' but now all I can see is this huge decision they are making.. is it really the only choice? Have they tried everything else? Do they really know what this will mean, for the rest of their lives, and their children's lives? I'm sure coming from a broken home affects my feelings on this.. but I just want to talk to them, and make sure.
My parents divorced the year after I left home. I was grown and gone, and it still affected me so much.. it's been more than 10 years since it happened and it still affects my life on an almost daily basis. I never see my dad, he lives in another time zone and all the holidays I don't spend with my in-laws I spend with my mom. He was the one who left, and so he tends to get the short end of the stick. Which is sad for him.. but also so hard for the rest of us. He's my dad, I love him. He's where I get my silly side and my emotional side. He's funny and full of energy, and so loving. I want him to know his granddaughter, I want Ainsley to know her grandpa. I'd love to have him there on Christmas morning, or hear him joking about the way I cooked the turkey on thanksgiving.. but that will probably never happen. For that to happen I'd have to leave my sweetheart of a mother home alone for those moments, and I just can't do that.
I think if I felt the divorce had helped my parents, it would be different matter. But neither seems to have found a fairytale ending the second time around. My mother always seems a little sad, worn and lonely to me. My dad seems tired every time we talk. He asks about mom a lot.. and my grandparents and it makes me wonder if he could go back to that moment if he would try again. But now its too late. Maybe that's just me projecting what a sad little girl wishes... but I feel like there's a spark of life missing that used to be there.
Well, sorry for the depressing post.. and if any of my wonderful friends going thru this process right now are reading this.. I love you.. I hope I didn't say anything offensive.. I just want you to be happy. I'm so sorry things aren't turning out the way they should. If there's anything I can do.. just say the word. For the rest of you.. thanks for listening to my personal pain and opinions.. hopefully now I can get some sleep having purged some of my hormonal mess floating around my head. night.
What is it about being awake late at night alone that makes me melancholy? I'm at my mom's house, and Tom is in Las Vegas working. I feel like everyone around me is falling apart.. ok, not everyone.. that's a little ridiculous.. but I can't believe how many people I know who's marriage is falling apart. People who have been together for years... people with kids.. how is it I am old enough that bunches of my friends are getting divorced?? I suppose I have been married for 6 years, which means that my friends that got married first have already hit the 'seven year itch'.. but it still seems so unreal to me.
In the beginning I think I tended to be more 'yeah, you go girl! You don't need him!' but now all I can see is this huge decision they are making.. is it really the only choice? Have they tried everything else? Do they really know what this will mean, for the rest of their lives, and their children's lives? I'm sure coming from a broken home affects my feelings on this.. but I just want to talk to them, and make sure.
My parents divorced the year after I left home. I was grown and gone, and it still affected me so much.. it's been more than 10 years since it happened and it still affects my life on an almost daily basis. I never see my dad, he lives in another time zone and all the holidays I don't spend with my in-laws I spend with my mom. He was the one who left, and so he tends to get the short end of the stick. Which is sad for him.. but also so hard for the rest of us. He's my dad, I love him. He's where I get my silly side and my emotional side. He's funny and full of energy, and so loving. I want him to know his granddaughter, I want Ainsley to know her grandpa. I'd love to have him there on Christmas morning, or hear him joking about the way I cooked the turkey on thanksgiving.. but that will probably never happen. For that to happen I'd have to leave my sweetheart of a mother home alone for those moments, and I just can't do that.
I think if I felt the divorce had helped my parents, it would be different matter. But neither seems to have found a fairytale ending the second time around. My mother always seems a little sad, worn and lonely to me. My dad seems tired every time we talk. He asks about mom a lot.. and my grandparents and it makes me wonder if he could go back to that moment if he would try again. But now its too late. Maybe that's just me projecting what a sad little girl wishes... but I feel like there's a spark of life missing that used to be there.
Well, sorry for the depressing post.. and if any of my wonderful friends going thru this process right now are reading this.. I love you.. I hope I didn't say anything offensive.. I just want you to be happy. I'm so sorry things aren't turning out the way they should. If there's anything I can do.. just say the word. For the rest of you.. thanks for listening to my personal pain and opinions.. hopefully now I can get some sleep having purged some of my hormonal mess floating around my head. night.
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