it's been a while.. although I'm not sure how many of you out there are still reading I apologize to those who have. It's been a busy, strange bit of time. And I think perhaps part of the reason for my delay in chronicling my thoughts has been out of a desire not to post another depressing mood piece.. I feel as though I only use this forum to whine, which will never do. (Also, I just watched two Jane Austen movies.. and I feel this may be influencing my writing style somewhat today, pray forgive me, but this is how I feel like expressing myself).
For weeks I've been tempted to write about how I feel disconnected from this pregnancy.. it's so weird, and not something you can readily discuss in polite society.. and yet I do. I feel partly in denial that this event is really taking place. After mulling over it in my mind for some time, I've come to the conclusion that at least part of it is a self-preserving act on behalf of my sub-conscious. Pregnancy is so full of anxiety, there is so much that can go wrong in 40 weeks. Sadness befalls so many, and sometime quite abruptly, with little warning. I was a complete wreck with worry while pregnant with Ainsley and I can't quite handle that right now. I think part of my brain has decided that this is the smarter course. I have one beautiful amazing daughter who I already worry about constantly.. if this one actually makes an appearance, well then, how great will be our joy. However, should tragedy strike.. perhaps I will be more prepared. You may find this to be a morose and bizarre way to view this miracle I am apart of, and I did not intend to take this point of view and yet I find it thrust upon me. So I will make the best of it, I will make preparations and have hopes, in my own in-denial kind of way. :)
Well... you see now why I have delayed in putting my thoughts on paper.. I hope they aren't too shocking. I'm hoping to blame the additional hormones coursing through my body at present for a major portion of my funk. I am having the hardest time feeling pretty. I feel old, and worn and currently getting larger in strange places. I just got a fun new hair color, but can't bring myself to take a picture of it because of my face. Maybe I'll get Tom to take a picture of me from behind. lol.
To end on a more positive note.. today I'm at 20 weeks, the halfway mark. So I have made it thus far. I will strive to have a positive attitude this week. I have good things coming this week. My birth class tonight, a fun playdate w friend the next, a baby shower for my dear friend on Thursday and then a trip to the cabin for the weekend. Could turn out to be a marvelous week. I wish you all a marvelous week.. and the chance to watch two Jane Austen movies in a row... should you wish it. :)
Monday, January 25, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Years Flash Back..
Happy New Year Peeps!
Man its been a while since I blogged. Almost a whole month. The holidays are crazy.. but we all know that. Anyway.. As I was thinking about the New Year this morning I was thinking back to the killer New Years Eve party my friend Jessica and I threw back when I was still living in Texas. I think it was probably one of the most fun New Years ever. Nowadays new years is mostly just eating junk food and watching a movie until 12, kiss and then bed, lol. Man, I feel old, lol. Anyway, I don't count the new year as one of the more exciting holidays anymore. But that year was great.. and so I went to find the couple pics I've scanned in from that pics I saw that it was New Years Eve 1999.. which means it was 10 years ago last night. 10 years! That's so crazy to me. It was a lifetime ago..
How different the world seems to me now than it did then, how much I learned, how much has happened.. So I thought I'd recap the last 10 years.. if only so I dont forget it all 10 years from now, lol.
ok, since New Years Eve 1999...
May 2000 my boyfriend finally got it together and left on his mission (he was 23, wasn't sure it would happen) I thought I'd never survive.
Having nothing left really keeping me in Texas, and a cousin who recommended USU, in Aug 2000 I packed up and drove the 940 miles (14 1/2 hrs) to Logan Utah and started a new life in a town where I knew absolutely no one.
Found a job and an apartment. Ended up with a group of girls who made everyday fun, were always there for me and changed my life. They helped me accept who I am, and teach me who I could be. Everyone needs a group like that.
The next 2-3 years I finished up my classes in psychology and loved them. Felt like I found my calling. I also had to find a new apartment due to lack of money and my girls all getting married or moving on. Stumbled into my 2nd lucky roommate chance. In Caroline I found a kindred spirit I believe I'll never lose. May 2002 missionary came home.. did not work out.. Started to re-evaluate life.. Caroline and I both made it through the rest of school together, through finals and heartaches and life changing decisions and nights of laughter and mornings of commiseration. She decided to serve a mission and I made the decision to walk away from a wonderful boy, a friend who loved me.. to marry a friend that I loved. Amazingly hard decision.. but right.
Tom and I had been friends since we met before he left for his mission in 1997 and as the years passed and I dated others it become more and more obvious that we were supposed to be together. I graduated in May of 2003 and we were married in August 2003. We bought a house in November.. felt so grown up and old. The next spring we went on the trip of a lifetime and saw London and Paris and I couldn't stop mentally berating myself for not throwing caution to the wind and going on a semester abroad to London the year my friend Anna went. An entire semester in London.. sigh.. it still makes me wistful thinking about it. Lets call that one of my biggest regret for the last 10 years.
Well for the next 3 years i mostly worked and lived life.. took some trips to cali and texas and seattle... nothing super crazy happened..
tried to get pregnant.. and tried and tried... and then october 06 I finally found out I was. :) June 07 she showed up and changed life forever.. August 07 my mil took all the sisters/sil's to NYC.. almost didn't go.. so hard to leave my lil girl for the weekend.. but did it.. awesome experience, glad I went.. had wanted to go to NY since I was in High School and had decided I wanted to be on Broadway when I grew up, lol..
June 08 we made our first move as a family when we bought a new house. Love the new neighborhood and house, but it was strangely sad to leave behind the house Ainsley was born in. Sept 08 made it back to NYC, this time with Tom and all the other married Christensen's. Spring 09 we went to hawaii!
Our first big vacation just the two of us.. we almost took Ains with us, and we missed her like crazy.. but it was fun to have some time just the two of us. And this fall/winter.. took Ains to disneyland for the first time and found out baby #2 is coming to change out life again..
wow.. after all that I feel like I've had quite a full 10 years.. I may be older.. fatter.. but at least I'm wiser.. lol.. and happier, more fulfilled.. I love my life. Along the way a lot could've happened differently, so grateful for what I have, and am looking forward to another great year.. who knows what it holds in store.
Man its been a while since I blogged. Almost a whole month. The holidays are crazy.. but we all know that. Anyway.. As I was thinking about the New Year this morning I was thinking back to the killer New Years Eve party my friend Jessica and I threw back when I was still living in Texas. I think it was probably one of the most fun New Years ever. Nowadays new years is mostly just eating junk food and watching a movie until 12, kiss and then bed, lol. Man, I feel old, lol. Anyway, I don't count the new year as one of the more exciting holidays anymore. But that year was great.. and so I went to find the couple pics I've scanned in from that pics I saw that it was New Years Eve 1999.. which means it was 10 years ago last night. 10 years! That's so crazy to me. It was a lifetime ago..
(me and my 3 besties in 1999, Anna and Emily
home from College and Jeska my roomie)
How different the world seems to me now than it did then, how much I learned, how much has happened.. So I thought I'd recap the last 10 years.. if only so I dont forget it all 10 years from now, lol.
ok, since New Years Eve 1999...
May 2000 my boyfriend finally got it together and left on his mission (he was 23, wasn't sure it would happen) I thought I'd never survive.
Having nothing left really keeping me in Texas, and a cousin who recommended USU, in Aug 2000 I packed up and drove the 940 miles (14 1/2 hrs) to Logan Utah and started a new life in a town where I knew absolutely no one.
Found a job and an apartment. Ended up with a group of girls who made everyday fun, were always there for me and changed my life. They helped me accept who I am, and teach me who I could be. Everyone needs a group like that.
The next 2-3 years I finished up my classes in psychology and loved them. Felt like I found my calling. I also had to find a new apartment due to lack of money and my girls all getting married or moving on. Stumbled into my 2nd lucky roommate chance. In Caroline I found a kindred spirit I believe I'll never lose. May 2002 missionary came home.. did not work out.. Started to re-evaluate life.. Caroline and I both made it through the rest of school together, through finals and heartaches and life changing decisions and nights of laughter and mornings of commiseration. She decided to serve a mission and I made the decision to walk away from a wonderful boy, a friend who loved me.. to marry a friend that I loved. Amazingly hard decision.. but right.
Tom and I had been friends since we met before he left for his mission in 1997 and as the years passed and I dated others it become more and more obvious that we were supposed to be together. I graduated in May of 2003 and we were married in August 2003. We bought a house in November.. felt so grown up and old. The next spring we went on the trip of a lifetime and saw London and Paris and I couldn't stop mentally berating myself for not throwing caution to the wind and going on a semester abroad to London the year my friend Anna went. An entire semester in London.. sigh.. it still makes me wistful thinking about it. Lets call that one of my biggest regret for the last 10 years.
Well for the next 3 years i mostly worked and lived life.. took some trips to cali and texas and seattle... nothing super crazy happened..
tried to get pregnant.. and tried and tried... and then october 06 I finally found out I was. :) June 07 she showed up and changed life forever.. August 07 my mil took all the sisters/sil's to NYC.. almost didn't go.. so hard to leave my lil girl for the weekend.. but did it.. awesome experience, glad I went.. had wanted to go to NY since I was in High School and had decided I wanted to be on Broadway when I grew up, lol..
June 08 we made our first move as a family when we bought a new house. Love the new neighborhood and house, but it was strangely sad to leave behind the house Ainsley was born in. Sept 08 made it back to NYC, this time with Tom and all the other married Christensen's. Spring 09 we went to hawaii!
Our first big vacation just the two of us.. we almost took Ains with us, and we missed her like crazy.. but it was fun to have some time just the two of us. And this fall/winter.. took Ains to disneyland for the first time and found out baby #2 is coming to change out life again..wow.. after all that I feel like I've had quite a full 10 years.. I may be older.. fatter.. but at least I'm wiser.. lol.. and happier, more fulfilled.. I love my life. Along the way a lot could've happened differently, so grateful for what I have, and am looking forward to another great year.. who knows what it holds in store.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
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