it's been a while.. although I'm not sure how many of you out there are still reading I apologize to those who have. It's been a busy, strange bit of time. And I think perhaps part of the reason for my delay in chronicling my thoughts has been out of a desire not to post another depressing mood piece.. I feel as though I only use this forum to whine, which will never do. (Also, I just watched two Jane Austen movies.. and I feel this may be influencing my writing style somewhat today, pray forgive me, but this is how I feel like expressing myself).
For weeks I've been tempted to write about how I feel disconnected from this pregnancy.. it's so weird, and not something you can readily discuss in polite society.. and yet I do. I feel partly in denial that this event is really taking place. After mulling over it in my mind for some time, I've come to the conclusion that at least part of it is a self-preserving act on behalf of my sub-conscious. Pregnancy is so full of anxiety, there is so much that can go wrong in 40 weeks. Sadness befalls so many, and sometime quite abruptly, with little warning. I was a complete wreck with worry while pregnant with Ainsley and I can't quite handle that right now. I think part of my brain has decided that this is the smarter course. I have one beautiful amazing daughter who I already worry about constantly.. if this one actually makes an appearance, well then, how great will be our joy. However, should tragedy strike.. perhaps I will be more prepared. You may find this to be a morose and bizarre way to view this miracle I am apart of, and I did not intend to take this point of view and yet I find it thrust upon me. So I will make the best of it, I will make preparations and have hopes, in my own in-denial kind of way. :)
Well... you see now why I have delayed in putting my thoughts on paper.. I hope they aren't too shocking. I'm hoping to blame the additional hormones coursing through my body at present for a major portion of my funk. I am having the hardest time feeling pretty. I feel old, and worn and currently getting larger in strange places. I just got a fun new hair color, but can't bring myself to take a picture of it because of my face. Maybe I'll get Tom to take a picture of me from behind. lol.
To end on a more positive note.. today I'm at 20 weeks, the halfway mark. So I have made it thus far. I will strive to have a positive attitude this week. I have good things coming this week. My birth class tonight, a fun playdate w friend the next, a baby shower for my dear friend on Thursday and then a trip to the cabin for the weekend. Could turn out to be a marvelous week. I wish you all a marvelous week.. and the chance to watch two Jane Austen movies in a row... should you wish it. :)
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Don't feel too bad about the feelings of disconnect. I think it's something that happens to a lot of women after they have had their first child. With Arwen and Darien I wasn't as excited, as I was with my first pregnancy. Though everything changes when you see your sweet baby for the first time. :) I think I need to pull out my Colin Firth version of Pride and Prejudice. Thanks for reminding me how much I love jane austen movies. :D
ReplyDeleteThanks Chiemi, you're always so nice and help me feel that I'm not talking to myself with this blog, lol.
ReplyDeleteThat is totally how I felt until the very end of my pregnancy with Ben so it doesn't sound weird to me at all! But hey the farther along the less there is to worry about and like you said, you're already half way! :)
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