Sunday thoughts on a Monday afternoon

I have had so many thoughts of different post I want to type lately.. and by the lack of posts here you can see that the time and/or motivation did not appear to bring them to fruition.

So, I'm picking one for this free moment I've just found.. we'll see if I get to the other ones. :)

I think the last month or two has strengthened my testimony more than it has been since I can remember. The more I read about birth (yes, yes, I am still talking about this) the more amazed I am by the female body and any doubt in my mind that it was not designed by a supreme and amazing being that knew what He was doing has vanished. I can understand why we are considered his greatest creation. I won't go on about all the vast ways our bodies do what is needed if we just let them, and all the little things that work for the good of mothers and their babies. I don't want to focus on specific details that could offend or insult anyone.. or bring into discussion this amazing belief and faith that I have found, it's still so close to my heart. If anyone is curious I'd be happy to send them a passionate email. :) I just love the feeling that I am a divine creation who was given the abilities and tools I need to perform the greatest miracle, bring life into this world.

Though yes, I acknowledge that not every woman's body is perfect, not all of them work quite in the way it seems that they should. I know in the two years we tried for Ainsley I had many sad moments, seeing my body as a failure. And experiencing the loss of a pregnancy I had just proudly announced weeks before did not do much to inspire faith in this body of mine. But as I look back I see these as struggles I needed to go through, ending in blessings timed perfectly in His wisdom, not my timeline. I am trying my best to remember this and to give my will, hopes and worries up to the Lord. Even now as I navigate the joys, discomforts and anxiety that is pregnancy I am finding many times that I can shut out my fears with simple thoughts.

I don't know about other people.. but I mentally go off on sad, worried tangents.. such as "what if I am unpacking all these clothes and getting ready for a baby that never makes it here.. who will put these away, will someone come put them away before I get home from the hospital, sad and empty handed.. would I want to come home to no sign that she almost happened.. how would I handle that.. how would life go on.." when this starts to spiral out of control I give myself permission not to worry about it. I tell myself if this baby is supposed to be a part of our family she will make it here. If she isn't, than it wasn't meant to be.. and we'll figure that out. Maybe this wouldn't be comforting to others, but right now for me, it gives me the peace that I need.

I had a thought yesterday that meant a lot to me.. it was simple, and I'm not sure it's still verbatim.. but something along the lines of 'He is sending you girls because you will be good for them'.. I basically got this warm feeling that it wasn't just a toss of the dice whether we got a girl or a boy, 50/50 chance. She was picked to be in our family because He has faith in me to be a good mother to her, to teach her what she needs to know, to provide a warm and loving home where she can flourish. I hope that I can. It definitely makes me feel like I have a purpose and makes me want to try my hardest to live up to that belief in me.

I'm not always the most spiritual person, but I've really cherished these experiences and needed to put them down somewhere.. and that's why I made this blog, lol... so here they are. Thanks for listening.