Baby names

ok, I'm totally obsessed with Baby names right now. I'm only 13 weeks and I won't find out for another month, so I should at least chill until I know what sex I'm dealing with.. but I can't stop. I look at lists of baby names constantly.

I think what started it was trying to find a name I could convince Tom to pick instead of Thomas Frank III. I started early cuz I figured I'd need all the help I could get. Well.. I think I've picked a boy name and I think he's on board, and TF III is definitely off the options, so I should be able to relax.. but I can't. It's just such a weird feeling. I knew we were going to name our first daughter Ainsley for almost 2 years before she was born. I just knew that's who she was going to be. I feel totally lost now.. like my baby is out there, floating around somewhere and I need to find out who he/she is.

I have a couple girls names I really like.. but of course Tom hates most of them. It's sad. For those of you who are interested enough to read my ramblings here's some names I've thought about..

Penelope - Tom hates it. Plus my sister has a dog named Penny.. so that would be a little weird.
Madeline - is it too I'm a little french school girl? No idea on Tom's opinion here.. probably hates it.
Sabrina - love this, hate that everyone's first thought is of the teenage witch.
Amelie - (pronounced like aww-mel-ee) A little worried about two A names in a row. Don't want to be the family that names all the kids the same first letter.
Adelaide - again with the A, plus my cousin's little girl is called Addie for short and we spend a lot of time with them.. think it would be a bit weird. Plus every time I say it I start singing Guys and Dolls "Adelaide, Adelaide.. ever lovin' Adelaide.."
Eleanor - I loved the first time we started talking about names, and Tom vetoed then.
Fiona - I like this one.. I mostly think of one of my fave moody girl musicians, but most people I talk to think Shrek.
Emery - in the running, still mulling it over.. or what tom thinks.
Tamsen - just added this to the list today.. is Tamsen Christensen too many 'en's?
I also toyed with the name Lennon for a girl for about a week before deciding it was too much.


For boys.. well.. I wasn't going to tell, because I wanted to keep it from the people who might be still mad at me for refusing to continue the TF 'dynasty', but I'll trust you that read to not spread it around and cut me some slack.

I'm pretty sure we're going with Everett Thomas Christensen. I like it a lot. I think Ainsley and Everett go together really well. It's not too common, but it doesn't sound made up. I can call him Ev Evers or even Rett (if I give a damn.. hehe) But probably mostly Everett. I think Tom likes it. His only complaint is he thinks its too long. But almost all the names I like are long. I think a name should be substantial. Short is what nicknames are for.

Although I did just read the name Aston on a list and I think that's cute too. But again with the A's (I think I'm drawn to A names in some weird way).
Aston Thomas Christensen.. sounds good too. (See, I'm trying to keep a family name in there!) Ainsley and Aston.. is that too much?

Ok all my opinionated friends, let me have it! What do you like, hate or suggest from all that? :) Other names are always welcome.. like I said. I'm obsessed. :)

Thanks!
Danielle

TV cravings

ok.. when I say that, I don't mean seeing food on TV and then craving them.. which I do, constantly. No, I've just decided that being pregnant is making me crave certain tv shows, lol. I've become addicted to TLC. I will sit and watch 'Say yes to the dress' or 'I didn't know I was pregnant' for hours on end.

And I'm not really sure why. 'Say yes to the dress' I keep picturing myself trying on dresses all fat and pregnant.. and it just depresses me. I start thinking about what style I'd want (SO dont understand the mermaid silhouette) and then I'd think.. well I'd want something flattering to my figure.. then I start to think about my figure right now... and that's when it gets depressing, lol.
Although recently I have started fantasizing about a special girls trip to NYC when Ains gets engaged and watching them treat her like a princess and find her the perfect dress I get to take care of for her. And that makes me smile. I am worried however that the show is totally skewing my ideas of money in that area. lol. I think I paid around $500 for my dress, but if anyone walks in and says they want to keep it under $2k I think 'sheesh, cheapskates.. what are you doing there??' lol. Tho, the last question is pretty valid. If you are looking for an inexpensive gown, I wouldn't go to Kleinfelds, lol.

'I didn't know I was pregnant' has been interesting. Before I was pregnant I'd watch those shows and think 'those women are crazy!! How do they not know??' But now that I'm all knocked up I have a different perspective. At first it made me feel guilty. These women go through their regular lives and don't even notice they're pregnant.. while I lay around moaning for hours at a time and take naps every day I can make it work. So for a while I stopped watching it cuz it just made me mad, lol. Today tho, I was watching it again and decided maybe that's the way to do it, lol. None of this worry and anxiety. No sickness, no painful blood draws or invasive examinations. I mean, obviously I wouldn't want the baby to have problems from no prenatal care.. so what if I just take vitamins all the time.. (i mean, they are good for you) and eat right. I don't do anything really crazy I can't do pregnant. Maybe I'd have to watch my Tuna intake.. ..oO(tuna rolls.. yumm) but how nice would it be to just one day all of a sudden, 'oh, the baby's coming!' awesome. done.

Can you tell I'm tired today? lol. 12 weeks pregnant and still getting sick.. I really hope this goes away.. anyway, I must stop blogging, there's a new 'the little couple' on. ;)

A New Post

ok, i need a new post. My pity party from last week is bugging me. We're back home now. Washington was fun. Cold. Ainsley had a great time with her cousins. It's so beautiful there. Amazingly green. The trees are so tall! They block out everything around them at times, its a funny feeling, like you could be miles away from civilization even if it's just around the corner. We went into downtown Seattle one day, and that was great. I was exhausted and pregnant and cranky, but I still love the beat of a city. It's amazing that I grew up in such small areas but I am SUCH a city girl at heart. I feel more alive walking around a downtown of a city, it's hard to explain the smells and sounds and sights. I love the great local boutiques and small bakeries and the street performers and all the different people from all over moving together in their own kind of pulse. It was a fun trip.

But I'm definitely glad to be back home. We got the tree up and most of our decorations today. All my friends are glad I'm home. I have plans with people who can't wait to see me. It's such a nice feeling to really be wanted. The rest of the year should be a blast. I'm starting to feel better. I have so many fun things coming up, and I just love Christmas time. It's magical.

Ok, deep breath. Feeling much better. Thanks. :)

the grump continues (short pity party to follow)

Man, am I in a bad mood. Which is sad. Because I'm in a beautiful place. For Thanksgiving we are in a beautiful 1920's victorian manor on the puget sound about 30 mins from Tacoma, Washington. It's gorgeous, it's right on the water, it's green everywhere. And I am in such a grump! I have complexes.. I'm aware. However I've learned that understanding the problem is 80% in your brain doesn't really make the problem go away. You'd think it would. And maybe it does for some people.. but no matter how many times I tell myself that the vibe I'm getting is just from my own lack of self-esteem and preconceived beliefs.. it still gets to me. I don't know why I have such an insatiable need to be liked. I don't know why I take everything personally. But right now I just wanna curl up and hide.

no fun

I'm a big ol' whiner today.. so feel free to ignore me. I am just not having as much fun with this pregnancy as I did with Ainsley. I feel way more sick, and I think last time everything was so new, and I was so beyond thrilled that we finally got preg that I took every little thing as a badge of honor or something. This time I'm being a grump. I feel like, ok, I've done this.. lets get it over with. I just remember loving being pregnant. I felt all cute and happy and fulfilled. Now I just feel like me, except tired, nauseated and cranky. Maybe I just am not remembering correctly.. who knows. I feel so guilty.. one day this child will find out that I did not enjoy being pregnant with them like I did with their sister. I already have favorites! I'm a bad mom.

I'll be 10 weeks Monday, and I just keep telling myself that once I get out of this trimester things will look up. I had my first real appt last week and my midwife (yep, I'm going with a midwife again). was examining me and discovered that some muscles that part so your uterus can grow never went back together after Ains, and that's adding to the fact that I already look preg. I'm trying to blame it on the 'i popped early 2nd time around' thing. But whatever it is, I already feel big and gross.

Ok, cranky vent over. Sorry to be a downer again. I'll try to post something silly and happy later.

heartsick

here come the hormones... I know I'm a hormonal person anyway.. but lets blame this on the pregnancy.

What is it about being awake late at night alone that makes me melancholy? I'm at my mom's house, and Tom is in Las Vegas working. I feel like everyone around me is falling apart.. ok, not everyone.. that's a little ridiculous.. but I can't believe how many people I know who's marriage is falling apart. People who have been together for years... people with kids.. how is it I am old enough that bunches of my friends are getting divorced?? I suppose I have been married for 6 years, which means that my friends that got married first have already hit the 'seven year itch'.. but it still seems so unreal to me.

In the beginning I think I tended to be more 'yeah, you go girl! You don't need him!' but now all I can see is this huge decision they are making.. is it really the only choice? Have they tried everything else? Do they really know what this will mean, for the rest of their lives, and their children's lives? I'm sure coming from a broken home affects my feelings on this.. but I just want to talk to them, and make sure.

My parents divorced the year after I left home. I was grown and gone, and it still affected me so much.. it's been more than 10 years since it happened and it still affects my life on an almost daily basis. I never see my dad, he lives in another time zone and all the holidays I don't spend with my in-laws I spend with my mom. He was the one who left, and so he tends to get the short end of the stick. Which is sad for him.. but also so hard for the rest of us. He's my dad, I love him. He's where I get my silly side and my emotional side. He's funny and full of energy, and so loving. I want him to know his granddaughter, I want Ainsley to know her grandpa. I'd love to have him there on Christmas morning, or hear him joking about the way I cooked the turkey on thanksgiving.. but that will probably never happen. For that to happen I'd have to leave my sweetheart of a mother home alone for those moments, and I just can't do that.

I think if I felt the divorce had helped my parents, it would be different matter. But neither seems to have found a fairytale ending the second time around. My mother always seems a little sad, worn and lonely to me. My dad seems tired every time we talk. He asks about mom a lot.. and my grandparents and it makes me wonder if he could go back to that moment if he would try again. But now its too late. Maybe that's just me projecting what a sad little girl wishes... but I feel like there's a spark of life missing that used to be there.

Well, sorry for the depressing post.. and if any of my wonderful friends going thru this process right now are reading this.. I love you.. I hope I didn't say anything offensive.. I just want you to be happy. I'm so sorry things aren't turning out the way they should. If there's anything I can do.. just say the word. For the rest of you.. thanks for listening to my personal pain and opinions.. hopefully now I can get some sleep having purged some of my hormonal mess floating around my head. night.

seasick, carsick, morningsick

how can something that is currently the size of a blueberry make me so sick?? Basically from the day I found out I was pregnant I have felt nauseated.. I do NOT remember it being this bad with Ainsley.. All day it comes and goes in waves. If I'm not constantly chowing down on crackers or sucking on hard candies and I spend most of the day laying there moaning. I know it was 3 years ago, but even Tom has mentioned he doesn't remember me whining this much, lol.

I had my ultrasound. All looks good. Saw the tiny pea, heard the heartbeat. Was told all looks good and healthy. I feel much better now, it's officially real, and I never got this far along last time. I'd lost it about a week before. So, I'm feeling good that all will be well, and I'm starting to think of posting it on my regular blog and facebook, but I'd like to come up with some cute way, but that takes effort.. and going back to the previous paragraph.. I don't have a lot in me right now. As you guys might have noticed from the lack of posts here. The only reason I'm posting now is my sweet husband got up and changed Ainsley and is keeping an eye on her out in the living room so I can rest a little bit more. I'm awake tho.. and when I'm preg I do remember that once I'm up, there's no going back to sleep. Not that it stops me from napping later in the day, lol, but it's hard to get cozy when you want to sick up. So I decided to take advantage of my free moments and update the ol' blog.

I got an adorable picture of Ains on a pumpkin at Disneyland and decided instead of Christmas cards to do Halloween cards. Is that weird? or Crazy? I know people who do Valentines cards cuz Christmas is too crazy, but I'm not sure of the protocol for pre-christmas cards. I figured it was something I could get out of my way and not worry about during the holidays. They came in the mail and I'm planning on getting them out today.. so no way they will make it for the actual Halloween, but oh well. They are super cute. They also announce to all my extended friends and family that I'm expecting. I worried about whether or not I should do that. Is it totally jinxing me and just asking for something bad to happen?? I decided not to be superstitious and I'm hoping it doesn't come back to bite me. So that's what I'm doing with the rest of my energy for now. :) So if anyone has any cute ideas of how to tell I'm preg on my other blog, I'd love to hear!

Ok, I know it wasn't the post of the year or anything, but it's all I got in me.. gotta go get some crackers, lol.

For your viewing pleasure

and now.. something funny.


I love these guys..

I would die for that

this is not the kind of thing an emotional pregnant woman should be watching.. now a total bawl baby I had to share. I first watched this video a couple months ago and it hurt in all kids of ways. Watching it again today I could remember all that, and understand the pain in the womens faces, and yet feel so happy and so lucky at the same time. I know I promised not to turn this into one huge blubbering blog about being a mom.. but it really is a huge part of who I am. And I've been in a place where I didn't know if I would get to 'bring a dream to life'.. and that's a dark place. I wish for every woman who wants to be a mother to get the chance.. however it happens. I love you all.

Baby love

Well, I'm still pregnant. (Yay!) And I have an ultrasound on the 23rd. So that's exciting. :)
It still seems so unreal. I'm looking at double strollers and talking about names.. and its still so hard to imagine that we will really get this new little person in our lives. Ainsley is our whole world. I love her so much that sometimes it actually, literally hurts, it swells up inside of me and I feel like there's not room for it in my body. It's hard to imagine having double that love. It's 3am (yes, I'm turning into an insomniac or something), I turned off the tv and all the lights and then went to sneak a peak at my little girl before I went to bed, a nightly habit. Today had been a crazy day, I had to go to the U in the morning for an appt and left her here with Tom (awesome perks of a hubby who works from home). I got back in time to feed her lunch and put her down for a nap. As soon as she woke up it was time for me to leave for a girls night out with my two college roommies who are also preg. We went maternity shopping. :) (Got a super cute pair of jeans.. pic later perhaps if ya'll want to see my awesome booty, haha) It was a blast, and so good to see them again.

But when I got home she was in bed, and as I watched Ainsley laying there sleeping I realized how little I had seen her today, and I just missed her. I had to stop myself from gathering her up into my arms and sitting in the rocking chair for a while. Even now I'm thinking it wouldn't be that bad.. she'd go back to sleep.. lol. Probably not a good habit to get into. I don't want to be your typical sappy mormon housewife here... but I love being a stay at home mommy for her. Someday I'd like to get my masters and work in a field I enjoy, but these moments are so fleeting.. I can't imagine missing them for the world. I'm so excited to welcome someone to our little family, it's felt like there was someone missing.. I'm excited.. and nervous and happy and terrified and full of so many emotions. How do people handle this??

Ok, I promise this will not become a pregnancy blog.. but tonight my heart was so full.. and that's one of the reasons I have this new blog... for overwhelming feelings and thoughts that I need to get out at 3am so I can go to sleep. Well, thanks for listening to me again, all you lovely ladies and the vast universe out there that I send this all out into. Goodnight.

Do you want to know a secret..

ooh, ah, ooh.. (think Beatles, lol)

It's been a few days since I posted here... mostly because I'm busting with news and trying not to let it out. I am horrible at keeping a secret. (Not at keeping other peoples secrets.. I'm trustworthy.. I just can't keep my own secrets to myself). I really planned on waiting until things were a little more settled.. but hey, I just can't do it. I'm too excited.

And so without further ado..





ah!! Lucky month worked!! Woohoo for lucky month! I'm totally excited and only a little freaked out. lol.

So, I think I'm about 5 weeks along. Babycenter.com estimates my due date at June 12th, 5 days after Ainsley's birthday. This will mean that all our birthdays are within a month of each other. I guess we're meant to be a summer family. I have an appt on Tuesday and they are scheduling an early ultrasound sometime in the next week.

ok.. well.. I am still trying to keep this a little on the down-low. I'm slowly letting it out, so please don't post about this on facebook or my regular blog. But I just wanted to let some people know.. and I figure, if you're reading this blog, you're cool.. lol. ok, I meant.. you care about my crazy inner thoughts.. and I appreciate that. And I need a place to let out all the crazy inner thoughts I'm having now, lol. I think after my ultrasound I'll probably tell all the close family and maybe even announce on my regular blog. Thanks for letting me share. :)

p.s. I hope you guys enjoyed my funny video and didn't take it as me being smug, lol.

Carbs = Happiness

What is it about biting into something that is warm, and soft and sweet? *sigh* These are what my dreams are made of. I have had a lovely, fattening few days up here at the cabin. So far I've made cinnamon rolls, chocolate chip cookies and french toast with fresh strawberries & butter cream sauce (sorry, I forgot to get a pic of that). I always feel that's what cabins are for. When here I like to stay in my pajamas, bake, cook dinners for people that enjoy them, go on short walks, watch movies and sleep... that's about it.

If I'm going to be here for more than a night or two I will bring something to work on. Since this trip is long I brought two projects. The never ending Ainsley scrapbook and the jewelry making things I got 5 years ago and haven't touched for almost 3. I'm determined to use it up making a ton of baby bracelets to sell. I have no faith in my jewelry making abilities but I can generally manage to make baby bracelets. I still think they are really basic and not original or cool in anyway.. but they are cutesy and i can picture them on little baby arms.. so we'll see.

The cinnamon rolls turned out divine. Tom's already bugging me to make more, and since we have new guests now that didn't get a chance to have any it's really only my duty as a hostess to comply. ;) They are so soft and moist, and I think the cream cheese frosting gives it a little something extra. The cookies I made from a new recipe I'd never used before. A friend had posted them on her blog and since she'd said the were 'the best choc chip cookies ever' I had to give it a try. They turned out a little different than hers, mostly because she used a 1/4 c to measure out the dough and I used a tbsp. I like little cookies, seems like there's more to go around, and you can't feel guilty eating just one more little one.. lol. She warned me to make them bigger because they were crispy on the outside and the chewy on the inside and she wasn't sure the little ones would have enough mass to get the chewy on the inside part. I, however, am a rebel.. and had already dished out one pans worth, so I forged on with the little ones. And, except for the first batch which I cooked too long, I thought they were amazing. They still had both a crispy and chewy factor, and really loved a departure for my usual recipe for a change. I did do one pan of the larger kind, but either to a lack of baking powder or flour they didn't stay big like hers. But they were still tasty. I may make cookies again this weekend.. maybe peanut butter.. or my usual choc chip. New is always fun.. but familiar is warm and cozy.

Tomorrow's plan for increasing my depressing waist size is a big american breakfast:Eggs, hashbrowns, sausage, bacon and more french toast.. (maybe i'll remember to snag you a picture.. but it's hard to think clearly when that magical goodness, as Tom calls it, is in front of me). And I think for dinner we're making homemade pizza. I've got a homemade dough recipe from the same book that I got my cinnamon roll recipe, so I'm pretty confident in it. I've never made pizza dough from scratch before tho.. so I guess we'll see. And I'm really supposed to use have reg flour and half wheat.. and i was too cheap to buy two kinds of flour for this trip.. hopefully this will not affect it too much. Don't worry, I'll let you know how it goes.
Now, unbelievably, it's 2:30 in the morning.. I have GOT to go to bed. Must be able to focus tomorrow.

Early morning catch up

Hello 6am.. long time no see. Let's try not to meet like this again.

yes, I am awake and it's 6 in the morning. Anyone who really knows me, knows that this is extremely abnormal. But don't worry, as soon as I finish complaining about being awake this early, I'm going back to bed. ;) As far as I'm concerned if it's still dark outside, then it's nighttime.

Of course I am awake because Ainsley decided to be. At first it sounded like she was crying for her daddy, but as I got closer I realized she was saying 'i want candy!'. Half asleep and bawling. What a weirdo. I think she must have had some bad dream where I wouldn't let her have any, lol. After calming her down I realized she had a poopy diaper, so I changed that. And while I was doing that she started up with the little cough she's been getting, so I went and got her some honey (hey, quick tip.. did you know that a tbsp of honey is proven to work better for a child's cold than any cold medicine.. it's true, my pediatrician told me). And then as I was putting her back in bed she found her water cup, and was sad that her ice had melted.. so i went and got her some ice. Three more hugs and two more kisses later... and she's back asleep.

I, however am currently in that land where I'm still exhausted but now wide awake. So what's a girl to do in this predicament? Why she blogs, don't you know. It's been a while since I've had a chance to sit down and write. As previously mentioned, I was in sunny California visiting the beaches and the happiest place on earth. Tom's sister just moved to Oceanside, and lives just blocks away from a weekly farmers market, cute little diners and cafe's, and other fun shops. I love it when you are able to walk to places from your house... seems so urban. Like living in NYC, where hardly anyone owns a car. The world is funny, how did we get to a place where small town equals cars and big city equals walking??

Anyhow.. I love walking. I HATE exercising... but I love going on walks.. especially if you are going somewhere. I will give up after 15 mins of a 30 min exercise video but I will walk 2 miles to get frozen yogurt or see a cute little shop. Well, Oceanside was great. Even got a chance to sneak away for a sushi roll down the street once. (yumm) Made me want to move again. Maybe not to CA, Tom thinks its too expensive... but maybe Seattle.. or some other coastal metropolis. Chances are I'll be in Utah for quite a long time.. but it's fun to dream.

Other than that, the beach was fun (also a quick walk away). Disneyland was hot, Tom complained the whole time, and I'm a little disappointed at missing most of the stuff I was excited to go there for... but, I'm letting that go. Ainsley had a great time and that's what matters, right?

Now we are up at the cabin for Tom's longed for extended stay. He will be working and sleeping, I will be baking! (let me know if you want to see pictures.. its gonna be so yummy) and reading, and perhaps even.. a walk. :)

and now... it is 7am.. so my friends.. it is back to bed for me. ciao.

Lucky Month

I don't want to get my hopes up and I dont want to jinx anything.. but I feel like this is a lucky month for me. This is the month 3 years ago I got pregnant with Ainsley. It is the 5th month I've been on this study they are doing on women who've had miscarriages and the nice lady there told me that the majority of the women who have done this study got pregnant on the 5th or 6th month. And.. sorry if this is too personal.. but I feel like Tom and I really hit it on the nose when trying to get pregnant this month. :) That's as much detail as I'll go into that. ;) So I'm feeling pretty good this month.

And now I'm about to embark on what promises to be a very nice couple of weeks. We got to Las Vegas to the in laws late last night and this morning the women of the family are taking off for Sunny California! The men are all being responsible and staying to work or go to school another day. The girls however decided we needed an extra day to go shopping. :) Then Friday is Beach and Saturday is Disneyland!! (I have refrained here from going on and on about how excited I am for Ainsley to go on that trip.. for that post see my regular blog later, lol) and then back to Vegas Sunday sometime. (ps, yeah, that's me with long brown hair from back in the day)

Then Monday.. (i know, i know, can there really be more??) we're leaving for his parents cabin for TWO WEEKS! How insane is that? Now that Tom is working remotely he can pretty much work wherever he has internet, and his favorite place in the world is the cabin.. he's been dreaming of going there for an extended amount of time for quite a while, so now that he's got the chance we're going.

I think it'll be relaxing, nice.. I'm going to make yummy food and try and convince myself to go on nice nature walks to work it off. Cuz my new monthly goal is that if I'm not going to be prego I might as well not be fat. lol. I've also brought my scrapbooking (I'm now only about a year behind) and the remains of a beading experiment gone wrong with the hopes of making a bunch of baby bracelets while I am there.

All in all, I'm feeling pretty good.. I'm focusing on the positives and trying to ignore some negative (i.e. me in a bathing suit with my skinny in laws, lol) and determined to enjoy this month. (Please enjoy the photograph below, depicting me.. determinately enjoying myself)

A cheerful, thankful post

ok, I feel like my last two posts have been kind of grumpy. I've decided I need to do a cheerful post.. this is supposed to be my thoughts blog, and after all, I do have cheerful thoughts. :) I think in general people would call me a cheerful person. I don't know why, when sitting down to write, all my grump comes out.

So, cheerful. :) I recently found a blog of a woman who, instead of talking about how depressing it was to deal with infertility, she wrote about all the good things in her life while she waited. So I decided to take a page from her book and think about how great my life is right now.

Some things that are great about just having one child..

1. Ainsley sleeps until at least 9am every day.. sometimes later, depending on how late we kept her up the night before. Most days I sleep until 9am too. It's so decadently lazy.. but i love it so much.. sleep is a beautiful thing.

2. Speaking of late nights, Ains is a total night owl like her parents. We frequently stay out on the town later than we really should because Ainsley does so well. Sometimes we just forget what time it is, and sometimes we know and don't really care because we are having so much fun with her.


3. Eating out. We LOVE to eat out, it's our biggest fault. All three of us. Ains has been a good diner pretty much her whole life. She's not hard to keep occupied while we wait for the food. And while, yes, there is usually quite a mess when we leave, there's no big screaming fit or throwing food.. and I figure a nice tip makes up for the mess. We never hesitate about taking her out to dinner with us.

4. I get to hold her as long as she'll let me. She's getting so big that most of the time she's too busy to sit still long enough, but she's starting to play 'baby' lately and she'll bring me her blankey and ask me to hold her. And there are days when waking up is hard to do and she wants me to hold her until she really gets there. I am so lucky to have the freedom to hold her as long as I can.

I guess it really just boils down to the fact that I get to really focus all my attention on my child. Sometimes I wonder how other people manage to spend time with each child once they have more than one. I'm sure I'll figure it out when it's time, but for now, it's such a luxury to be able to spend my time playing pretend, and reading, and stopping to talk about something serious with her when it comes up. I've gotten to really enjoy Ainsley, and the fun person she is, and give her my full attention.

I've always been one to bemoan what i wanted instead of embracing what I had. When I was single I only wanted to be married.. and then once I was married I could look back and think of how much fun I had and how much I had grown as a person while going to school and being on my own.


And then I was married and of course we hadn't been married long when I started to think fondly of the patter of little feet missing from our house.. and then once I became a mom I could look back and see all that Tom and I were able to do while it was just us. How we had time to get to know each other as spouses before learning to be parents. That we were able to smooth out a lot of the bumps of early married life and get to a really good place, so that when that bundle showed up we were better prepared to tackle new challenges together.

And now.. I sit here, with a beautiful daughter, a loving husband, a sweet life.. and I look around for whats next... but I'm going to try and nip this cycle in the bud. Life is much easier right now than it would be if I had a baby.. or even if I were pregnant. I've decided to be thankful for this extra precious time, rather than resentful for not having what I think I should right now.

Sure complications are the spice of life, and I will enjoy them when they come,.. but for now I will sit back and enjoy the simple pleasures.

Pity Party Pooper

"no one is available to chat" this is what it says right now on my instant messenger. It's 1:18am and everyone but me, it seems, is asleep. Or perhaps at some raging party. I however, am neither slumbering away or living it up. I'm sitting by myself on the couch in our living room with only the sounds of my fingers on the keyboard and the oscillating fan trying to cool down the room. And as I type this I release a big moody sigh.

As I sit here, I wonder.. "Why am I moody?" Who knows. I've been trying to figure that out since I was 16.. ok, 14. I was always a moody dramatic girl. I would write what I considered to be deep, soulful poems and think deep soulful, mostly self pitying thoughts. I met a blond boy at 16 and instantly fell, all those romance novels and saved up emotions came crashing down at once. And of course I instantly assumed he'd never like me, and spent the next couple of years bemoaning my fate and frequently embarrassing us both in the process. Looking back I wonder if I'd played it cool, talked to the kid like a normal person and not some groupie.. if things might have been different. The hilariously tragic thing I learned much later (when it was too late) was that his younger brother (that was my age) liked me all along, and ended up being the cooler of the boys.. much more to my liking when I really got to know them both. But I could never see something that positive. It's like I had 'poor me' glasses.. I can only see what makes me feel sorry for myself. There's something amazingly self indulgent about wallowing in your despair. It's almost got a delicious quality to it, to imagine yourself wronged, like some classic novel character.. its so much easier to sit and pity yourself than to actually get up and try and make something of your life.

It's like I've been waiting all this time for someone/something else to make me happy. But I'm coming to the realization that NO ONE and NOTHING can MAKE you happy, if you are determined to be miserable.. you will. No best friend, or boyfriend, or even baby can give you that self confidence, that validation.. if you are missing it inside. I went through a lot of relationships along the way looking for what I was missing. I eventually found a sweet man, who was convinced he could make me happy and really wanted to try. I got a wonderful husband, but no lightning bolt answer to all my problems. It's been quite the road to find the answers are up to me to find. And still, once I've found them I frequently have to remind myself what they are.. especially after one in the morning, when I'm the only one awake, and my neuroses rear up and I start to get my pity party planning committee together in my head.

I guess it's a lot like housekeeping.. I have to just keep chasing those demons out. A woman's job is never really done, there are always dishes to be done, laundry to be washed, and old ghosts to be swept from the premises.

Bittersweet

Why does seeing someone else happy make me sad? I've been down this road before and I can't believe I'm back again.

Today I went to the baby shower of my dear friend Anna. She's about a month shy of delivering her first child. She's 30 years old and tried for quite a while before finding out she was pregnant. She is one of my favorite people. Intelligent, funny, caring, cultured.. appreciative of all good things. I think she will be a wonderful mother and raise amazing children. I was totally rooting for her and was thrilled when I found out she was finally getting what she wanted.

And yet today.. at her sweet shower, with just her family and close friends I found myself squirming and trying to hard to look happy, and forcing back depressing thoughts and bitterness. I was suddenly falling down a deep hole inside myself as I realized that had I not had my most recent miscarriage I'd be due one week ahead of my sweet friend. It would've been so wonderful.. sharing pregnancy details, swapping complaints, and planning playdates with our perfect little bundles to be.. but instead every blanket, binky and outfit made the person inside her more real. Every pink present added to the picture of her holding a little bundle in her arms.. and it made my arms feel so empty, it was chipping away at my facade.

And I feel so guilty feeling this way.. I have my wonderful child. And I will admit it's not nearly as bad as it was the 2 years I was trying before she came along. There's something gut wrenching about wanting to be a mother and not being able to. Becoming a mother changes your life and who you are.. and when I wanted to be a mother.. everything about my life shouted at me that I wasn't. And part of me wonders if my sadness this time around comes partly from the echoes of that deep heartache.

Ainsley is the balm to my sadness.. her hugs and kisses and giggles heal cracks in my heart. I see her and think 'how dare I ask for more than the abundance which I have been given'... and then she talks about a sister or, after spending a day with one of my many pregnant friends, asks me if I have a baby in my tummy and I fall apart a little inside.

And yet again, there is my sunshine, my only sunshine, that is my darling little girl. I have so much with only her, and yet I also have so much more. And so now, at the end of my pity party ramblings I must remind myself of all my blessings, and so I'll sneak a peak at my sleeping child and suddenly feel better, so I can pack away the pain for now and try to focus on all that is good in the world.
thanks for listening.. whoever is out there..