heartsick

here come the hormones... I know I'm a hormonal person anyway.. but lets blame this on the pregnancy.

What is it about being awake late at night alone that makes me melancholy? I'm at my mom's house, and Tom is in Las Vegas working. I feel like everyone around me is falling apart.. ok, not everyone.. that's a little ridiculous.. but I can't believe how many people I know who's marriage is falling apart. People who have been together for years... people with kids.. how is it I am old enough that bunches of my friends are getting divorced?? I suppose I have been married for 6 years, which means that my friends that got married first have already hit the 'seven year itch'.. but it still seems so unreal to me.

In the beginning I think I tended to be more 'yeah, you go girl! You don't need him!' but now all I can see is this huge decision they are making.. is it really the only choice? Have they tried everything else? Do they really know what this will mean, for the rest of their lives, and their children's lives? I'm sure coming from a broken home affects my feelings on this.. but I just want to talk to them, and make sure.

My parents divorced the year after I left home. I was grown and gone, and it still affected me so much.. it's been more than 10 years since it happened and it still affects my life on an almost daily basis. I never see my dad, he lives in another time zone and all the holidays I don't spend with my in-laws I spend with my mom. He was the one who left, and so he tends to get the short end of the stick. Which is sad for him.. but also so hard for the rest of us. He's my dad, I love him. He's where I get my silly side and my emotional side. He's funny and full of energy, and so loving. I want him to know his granddaughter, I want Ainsley to know her grandpa. I'd love to have him there on Christmas morning, or hear him joking about the way I cooked the turkey on thanksgiving.. but that will probably never happen. For that to happen I'd have to leave my sweetheart of a mother home alone for those moments, and I just can't do that.

I think if I felt the divorce had helped my parents, it would be different matter. But neither seems to have found a fairytale ending the second time around. My mother always seems a little sad, worn and lonely to me. My dad seems tired every time we talk. He asks about mom a lot.. and my grandparents and it makes me wonder if he could go back to that moment if he would try again. But now its too late. Maybe that's just me projecting what a sad little girl wishes... but I feel like there's a spark of life missing that used to be there.

Well, sorry for the depressing post.. and if any of my wonderful friends going thru this process right now are reading this.. I love you.. I hope I didn't say anything offensive.. I just want you to be happy. I'm so sorry things aren't turning out the way they should. If there's anything I can do.. just say the word. For the rest of you.. thanks for listening to my personal pain and opinions.. hopefully now I can get some sleep having purged some of my hormonal mess floating around my head. night.