it's been a while.. although I'm not sure how many of you out there are still reading I apologize to those who have. It's been a busy, strange bit of time. And I think perhaps part of the reason for my delay in chronicling my thoughts has been out of a desire not to post another depressing mood piece.. I feel as though I only use this forum to whine, which will never do. (Also, I just watched two Jane Austen movies.. and I feel this may be influencing my writing style somewhat today, pray forgive me, but this is how I feel like expressing myself).
For weeks I've been tempted to write about how I feel disconnected from this pregnancy.. it's so weird, and not something you can readily discuss in polite society.. and yet I do. I feel partly in denial that this event is really taking place. After mulling over it in my mind for some time, I've come to the conclusion that at least part of it is a self-preserving act on behalf of my sub-conscious. Pregnancy is so full of anxiety, there is so much that can go wrong in 40 weeks. Sadness befalls so many, and sometime quite abruptly, with little warning. I was a complete wreck with worry while pregnant with Ainsley and I can't quite handle that right now. I think part of my brain has decided that this is the smarter course. I have one beautiful amazing daughter who I already worry about constantly.. if this one actually makes an appearance, well then, how great will be our joy. However, should tragedy strike.. perhaps I will be more prepared. You may find this to be a morose and bizarre way to view this miracle I am apart of, and I did not intend to take this point of view and yet I find it thrust upon me. So I will make the best of it, I will make preparations and have hopes, in my own in-denial kind of way. :)
Well... you see now why I have delayed in putting my thoughts on paper.. I hope they aren't too shocking. I'm hoping to blame the additional hormones coursing through my body at present for a major portion of my funk. I am having the hardest time feeling pretty. I feel old, and worn and currently getting larger in strange places. I just got a fun new hair color, but can't bring myself to take a picture of it because of my face. Maybe I'll get Tom to take a picture of me from behind. lol.
To end on a more positive note.. today I'm at 20 weeks, the halfway mark. So I have made it thus far. I will strive to have a positive attitude this week. I have good things coming this week. My birth class tonight, a fun playdate w friend the next, a baby shower for my dear friend on Thursday and then a trip to the cabin for the weekend. Could turn out to be a marvelous week. I wish you all a marvelous week.. and the chance to watch two Jane Austen movies in a row... should you wish it. :)
Monday, January 25, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Years Flash Back..
Happy New Year Peeps!
Man its been a while since I blogged. Almost a whole month. The holidays are crazy.. but we all know that. Anyway.. As I was thinking about the New Year this morning I was thinking back to the killer New Years Eve party my friend Jessica and I threw back when I was still living in Texas. I think it was probably one of the most fun New Years ever. Nowadays new years is mostly just eating junk food and watching a movie until 12, kiss and then bed, lol. Man, I feel old, lol. Anyway, I don't count the new year as one of the more exciting holidays anymore. But that year was great.. and so I went to find the couple pics I've scanned in from that pics I saw that it was New Years Eve 1999.. which means it was 10 years ago last night. 10 years! That's so crazy to me. It was a lifetime ago..
How different the world seems to me now than it did then, how much I learned, how much has happened.. So I thought I'd recap the last 10 years.. if only so I dont forget it all 10 years from now, lol.
ok, since New Years Eve 1999...
May 2000 my boyfriend finally got it together and left on his mission (he was 23, wasn't sure it would happen) I thought I'd never survive.
Having nothing left really keeping me in Texas, and a cousin who recommended USU, in Aug 2000 I packed up and drove the 940 miles (14 1/2 hrs) to Logan Utah and started a new life in a town where I knew absolutely no one.
Found a job and an apartment. Ended up with a group of girls who made everyday fun, were always there for me and changed my life. They helped me accept who I am, and teach me who I could be. Everyone needs a group like that.
The next 2-3 years I finished up my classes in psychology and loved them. Felt like I found my calling. I also had to find a new apartment due to lack of money and my girls all getting married or moving on. Stumbled into my 2nd lucky roommate chance. In Caroline I found a kindred spirit I believe I'll never lose. May 2002 missionary came home.. did not work out.. Started to re-evaluate life.. Caroline and I both made it through the rest of school together, through finals and heartaches and life changing decisions and nights of laughter and mornings of commiseration. She decided to serve a mission and I made the decision to walk away from a wonderful boy, a friend who loved me.. to marry a friend that I loved. Amazingly hard decision.. but right.
Tom and I had been friends since we met before he left for his mission in 1997 and as the years passed and I dated others it become more and more obvious that we were supposed to be together. I graduated in May of 2003 and we were married in August 2003. We bought a house in November.. felt so grown up and old. The next spring we went on the trip of a lifetime and saw London and Paris and I couldn't stop mentally berating myself for not throwing caution to the wind and going on a semester abroad to London the year my friend Anna went. An entire semester in London.. sigh.. it still makes me wistful thinking about it. Lets call that one of my biggest regret for the last 10 years.
Well for the next 3 years i mostly worked and lived life.. took some trips to cali and texas and seattle... nothing super crazy happened..
tried to get pregnant.. and tried and tried... and then october 06 I finally found out I was. :) June 07 she showed up and changed life forever.. August 07 my mil took all the sisters/sil's to NYC.. almost didn't go.. so hard to leave my lil girl for the weekend.. but did it.. awesome experience, glad I went.. had wanted to go to NY since I was in High School and had decided I wanted to be on Broadway when I grew up, lol..
June 08 we made our first move as a family when we bought a new house. Love the new neighborhood and house, but it was strangely sad to leave behind the house Ainsley was born in. Sept 08 made it back to NYC, this time with Tom and all the other married Christensen's. Spring 09 we went to hawaii!
Our first big vacation just the two of us.. we almost took Ains with us, and we missed her like crazy.. but it was fun to have some time just the two of us. And this fall/winter.. took Ains to disneyland for the first time and found out baby #2 is coming to change out life again..
wow.. after all that I feel like I've had quite a full 10 years.. I may be older.. fatter.. but at least I'm wiser.. lol.. and happier, more fulfilled.. I love my life. Along the way a lot could've happened differently, so grateful for what I have, and am looking forward to another great year.. who knows what it holds in store.
Man its been a while since I blogged. Almost a whole month. The holidays are crazy.. but we all know that. Anyway.. As I was thinking about the New Year this morning I was thinking back to the killer New Years Eve party my friend Jessica and I threw back when I was still living in Texas. I think it was probably one of the most fun New Years ever. Nowadays new years is mostly just eating junk food and watching a movie until 12, kiss and then bed, lol. Man, I feel old, lol. Anyway, I don't count the new year as one of the more exciting holidays anymore. But that year was great.. and so I went to find the couple pics I've scanned in from that pics I saw that it was New Years Eve 1999.. which means it was 10 years ago last night. 10 years! That's so crazy to me. It was a lifetime ago..
(me and my 3 besties in 1999, Anna and Emily
home from College and Jeska my roomie)
How different the world seems to me now than it did then, how much I learned, how much has happened.. So I thought I'd recap the last 10 years.. if only so I dont forget it all 10 years from now, lol.
ok, since New Years Eve 1999...
May 2000 my boyfriend finally got it together and left on his mission (he was 23, wasn't sure it would happen) I thought I'd never survive.
Having nothing left really keeping me in Texas, and a cousin who recommended USU, in Aug 2000 I packed up and drove the 940 miles (14 1/2 hrs) to Logan Utah and started a new life in a town where I knew absolutely no one.
Found a job and an apartment. Ended up with a group of girls who made everyday fun, were always there for me and changed my life. They helped me accept who I am, and teach me who I could be. Everyone needs a group like that.
The next 2-3 years I finished up my classes in psychology and loved them. Felt like I found my calling. I also had to find a new apartment due to lack of money and my girls all getting married or moving on. Stumbled into my 2nd lucky roommate chance. In Caroline I found a kindred spirit I believe I'll never lose. May 2002 missionary came home.. did not work out.. Started to re-evaluate life.. Caroline and I both made it through the rest of school together, through finals and heartaches and life changing decisions and nights of laughter and mornings of commiseration. She decided to serve a mission and I made the decision to walk away from a wonderful boy, a friend who loved me.. to marry a friend that I loved. Amazingly hard decision.. but right.
Tom and I had been friends since we met before he left for his mission in 1997 and as the years passed and I dated others it become more and more obvious that we were supposed to be together. I graduated in May of 2003 and we were married in August 2003. We bought a house in November.. felt so grown up and old. The next spring we went on the trip of a lifetime and saw London and Paris and I couldn't stop mentally berating myself for not throwing caution to the wind and going on a semester abroad to London the year my friend Anna went. An entire semester in London.. sigh.. it still makes me wistful thinking about it. Lets call that one of my biggest regret for the last 10 years.
Well for the next 3 years i mostly worked and lived life.. took some trips to cali and texas and seattle... nothing super crazy happened..
tried to get pregnant.. and tried and tried... and then october 06 I finally found out I was. :) June 07 she showed up and changed life forever.. August 07 my mil took all the sisters/sil's to NYC.. almost didn't go.. so hard to leave my lil girl for the weekend.. but did it.. awesome experience, glad I went.. had wanted to go to NY since I was in High School and had decided I wanted to be on Broadway when I grew up, lol..
June 08 we made our first move as a family when we bought a new house. Love the new neighborhood and house, but it was strangely sad to leave behind the house Ainsley was born in. Sept 08 made it back to NYC, this time with Tom and all the other married Christensen's. Spring 09 we went to hawaii!
Our first big vacation just the two of us.. we almost took Ains with us, and we missed her like crazy.. but it was fun to have some time just the two of us. And this fall/winter.. took Ains to disneyland for the first time and found out baby #2 is coming to change out life again..wow.. after all that I feel like I've had quite a full 10 years.. I may be older.. fatter.. but at least I'm wiser.. lol.. and happier, more fulfilled.. I love my life. Along the way a lot could've happened differently, so grateful for what I have, and am looking forward to another great year.. who knows what it holds in store.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Baby names
ok, I'm totally obsessed with Baby names right now. I'm only 13 weeks and I won't find out for another month, so I should at least chill until I know what sex I'm dealing with.. but I can't stop. I look at lists of baby names constantly.
I think what started it was trying to find a name I could convince Tom to pick instead of Thomas Frank III. I started early cuz I figured I'd need all the help I could get. Well.. I think I've picked a boy name and I think he's on board, and TF III is definitely off the options, so I should be able to relax.. but I can't. It's just such a weird feeling. I knew we were going to name our first daughter Ainsley for almost 2 years before she was born. I just knew that's who she was going to be. I feel totally lost now.. like my baby is out there, floating around somewhere and I need to find out who he/she is.
I have a couple girls names I really like.. but of course Tom hates most of them. It's sad. For those of you who are interested enough to read my ramblings here's some names I've thought about..
Penelope - Tom hates it. Plus my sister has a dog named Penny.. so that would be a little weird.
Madeline - is it too I'm a little french school girl? No idea on Tom's opinion here.. probably hates it.
Sabrina - love this, hate that everyone's first thought is of the teenage witch.
Amelie - (pronounced like aww-mel-ee) A little worried about two A names in a row. Don't want to be the family that names all the kids the same first letter.
Adelaide - again with the A, plus my cousin's little girl is called Addie for short and we spend a lot of time with them.. think it would be a bit weird. Plus every time I say it I start singing Guys and Dolls "Adelaide, Adelaide.. ever lovin' Adelaide.."
Eleanor - I loved the first time we started talking about names, and Tom vetoed then.
Fiona - I like this one.. I mostly think of one of my fave moody girl musicians, but most people I talk to think Shrek.
Emery - in the running, still mulling it over.. or what tom thinks.
Tamsen - just added this to the list today.. is Tamsen Christensen too many 'en's?
I also toyed with the name Lennon for a girl for about a week before deciding it was too much.
For boys.. well.. I wasn't going to tell, because I wanted to keep it from the people who might be still mad at me for refusing to continue the TF 'dynasty', but I'll trust you that read to not spread it around and cut me some slack.
I'm pretty sure we're going with Everett Thomas Christensen. I like it a lot. I think Ainsley and Everett go together really well. It's not too common, but it doesn't sound made up. I can call him Ev Evers or even Rett (if I give a damn.. hehe) But probably mostly Everett. I think Tom likes it. His only complaint is he thinks its too long. But almost all the names I like are long. I think a name should be substantial. Short is what nicknames are for.
Although I did just read the name Aston on a list and I think that's cute too. But again with the A's (I think I'm drawn to A names in some weird way).
Aston Thomas Christensen.. sounds good too. (See, I'm trying to keep a family name in there!) Ainsley and Aston.. is that too much?
Ok all my opinionated friends, let me have it! What do you like, hate or suggest from all that? :) Other names are always welcome.. like I said. I'm obsessed. :)
Thanks!
Danielle
I think what started it was trying to find a name I could convince Tom to pick instead of Thomas Frank III. I started early cuz I figured I'd need all the help I could get. Well.. I think I've picked a boy name and I think he's on board, and TF III is definitely off the options, so I should be able to relax.. but I can't. It's just such a weird feeling. I knew we were going to name our first daughter Ainsley for almost 2 years before she was born. I just knew that's who she was going to be. I feel totally lost now.. like my baby is out there, floating around somewhere and I need to find out who he/she is.
I have a couple girls names I really like.. but of course Tom hates most of them. It's sad. For those of you who are interested enough to read my ramblings here's some names I've thought about..
Penelope - Tom hates it. Plus my sister has a dog named Penny.. so that would be a little weird.
Madeline - is it too I'm a little french school girl? No idea on Tom's opinion here.. probably hates it.
Sabrina - love this, hate that everyone's first thought is of the teenage witch.
Amelie - (pronounced like aww-mel-ee) A little worried about two A names in a row. Don't want to be the family that names all the kids the same first letter.
Adelaide - again with the A, plus my cousin's little girl is called Addie for short and we spend a lot of time with them.. think it would be a bit weird. Plus every time I say it I start singing Guys and Dolls "Adelaide, Adelaide.. ever lovin' Adelaide.."
Eleanor - I loved the first time we started talking about names, and Tom vetoed then.
Fiona - I like this one.. I mostly think of one of my fave moody girl musicians, but most people I talk to think Shrek.
Emery - in the running, still mulling it over.. or what tom thinks.
Tamsen - just added this to the list today.. is Tamsen Christensen too many 'en's?
I also toyed with the name Lennon for a girl for about a week before deciding it was too much.
For boys.. well.. I wasn't going to tell, because I wanted to keep it from the people who might be still mad at me for refusing to continue the TF 'dynasty', but I'll trust you that read to not spread it around and cut me some slack.
I'm pretty sure we're going with Everett Thomas Christensen. I like it a lot. I think Ainsley and Everett go together really well. It's not too common, but it doesn't sound made up. I can call him Ev Evers or even Rett (if I give a damn.. hehe) But probably mostly Everett. I think Tom likes it. His only complaint is he thinks its too long. But almost all the names I like are long. I think a name should be substantial. Short is what nicknames are for.
Although I did just read the name Aston on a list and I think that's cute too. But again with the A's (I think I'm drawn to A names in some weird way).
Aston Thomas Christensen.. sounds good too. (See, I'm trying to keep a family name in there!) Ainsley and Aston.. is that too much?
Ok all my opinionated friends, let me have it! What do you like, hate or suggest from all that? :) Other names are always welcome.. like I said. I'm obsessed. :)
Thanks!
Danielle
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
TV cravings
ok.. when I say that, I don't mean seeing food on TV and then craving them.. which I do, constantly. No, I've just decided that being pregnant is making me crave certain tv shows, lol. I've become addicted to TLC. I will sit and watch 'Say yes to the dress' or 'I didn't know I was pregnant' for hours on end.
And I'm not really sure why. 'Say yes to the dress' I keep picturing myself trying on dresses all fat and pregnant.. and it just depresses me. I start thinking about what style I'd want (SO dont understand the mermaid silhouette) and then I'd think.. well I'd want something flattering to my figure.. then I start to think about my figure right now... and that's when it gets depressing, lol.
Although recently I have started fantasizing about a special girls trip to NYC when Ains gets engaged and watching them treat her like a princess and find her the perfect dress I get to take care of for her. And that makes me smile. I am worried however that the show is totally skewing my ideas of money in that area. lol. I think I paid around $500 for my dress, but if anyone walks in and says they want to keep it under $2k I think 'sheesh, cheapskates.. what are you doing there??' lol. Tho, the last question is pretty valid. If you are looking for an inexpensive gown, I wouldn't go to Kleinfelds, lol.
'I didn't know I was pregnant' has been interesting. Before I was pregnant I'd watch those shows and think 'those women are crazy!! How do they not know??' But now that I'm all knocked up I have a different perspective. At first it made me feel guilty. These women go through their regular lives and don't even notice they're pregnant.. while I lay around moaning for hours at a time and take naps every day I can make it work. So for a while I stopped watching it cuz it just made me mad, lol. Today tho, I was watching it again and decided maybe that's the way to do it, lol. None of this worry and anxiety. No sickness, no painful blood draws or invasive examinations. I mean, obviously I wouldn't want the baby to have problems from no prenatal care.. so what if I just take vitamins all the time.. (i mean, they are good for you) and eat right. I don't do anything really crazy I can't do pregnant. Maybe I'd have to watch my Tuna intake.. ..oO(tuna rolls.. yumm) but how nice would it be to just one day all of a sudden, 'oh, the baby's coming!' awesome. done.
Can you tell I'm tired today? lol. 12 weeks pregnant and still getting sick.. I really hope this goes away.. anyway, I must stop blogging, there's a new 'the little couple' on. ;)
And I'm not really sure why. 'Say yes to the dress' I keep picturing myself trying on dresses all fat and pregnant.. and it just depresses me. I start thinking about what style I'd want (SO dont understand the mermaid silhouette) and then I'd think.. well I'd want something flattering to my figure.. then I start to think about my figure right now... and that's when it gets depressing, lol.
Although recently I have started fantasizing about a special girls trip to NYC when Ains gets engaged and watching them treat her like a princess and find her the perfect dress I get to take care of for her. And that makes me smile. I am worried however that the show is totally skewing my ideas of money in that area. lol. I think I paid around $500 for my dress, but if anyone walks in and says they want to keep it under $2k I think 'sheesh, cheapskates.. what are you doing there??' lol. Tho, the last question is pretty valid. If you are looking for an inexpensive gown, I wouldn't go to Kleinfelds, lol.
'I didn't know I was pregnant' has been interesting. Before I was pregnant I'd watch those shows and think 'those women are crazy!! How do they not know??' But now that I'm all knocked up I have a different perspective. At first it made me feel guilty. These women go through their regular lives and don't even notice they're pregnant.. while I lay around moaning for hours at a time and take naps every day I can make it work. So for a while I stopped watching it cuz it just made me mad, lol. Today tho, I was watching it again and decided maybe that's the way to do it, lol. None of this worry and anxiety. No sickness, no painful blood draws or invasive examinations. I mean, obviously I wouldn't want the baby to have problems from no prenatal care.. so what if I just take vitamins all the time.. (i mean, they are good for you) and eat right. I don't do anything really crazy I can't do pregnant. Maybe I'd have to watch my Tuna intake.. ..oO(tuna rolls.. yumm) but how nice would it be to just one day all of a sudden, 'oh, the baby's coming!' awesome. done.
Can you tell I'm tired today? lol. 12 weeks pregnant and still getting sick.. I really hope this goes away.. anyway, I must stop blogging, there's a new 'the little couple' on. ;)
Monday, November 30, 2009
A New Post
ok, i need a new post. My pity party from last week is bugging me. We're back home now. Washington was fun. Cold. Ainsley had a great time with her cousins. It's so beautiful there. Amazingly green. The trees are so tall! They block out everything around them at times, its a funny feeling, like you could be miles away from civilization even if it's just around the corner. We went into downtown Seattle one day, and that was great. I was exhausted and pregnant and cranky, but I still love the beat of a city. It's amazing that I grew up in such small areas but I am SUCH a city girl at heart. I feel more alive walking around a downtown of a city, it's hard to explain the smells and sounds and sights. I love the great local boutiques and small bakeries and the street performers and all the different people from all over moving together in their own kind of pulse. It was a fun trip.
But I'm definitely glad to be back home. We got the tree up and most of our decorations today. All my friends are glad I'm home. I have plans with people who can't wait to see me. It's such a nice feeling to really be wanted. The rest of the year should be a blast. I'm starting to feel better. I have so many fun things coming up, and I just love Christmas time. It's magical.
Ok, deep breath. Feeling much better. Thanks. :)
But I'm definitely glad to be back home. We got the tree up and most of our decorations today. All my friends are glad I'm home. I have plans with people who can't wait to see me. It's such a nice feeling to really be wanted. The rest of the year should be a blast. I'm starting to feel better. I have so many fun things coming up, and I just love Christmas time. It's magical.
Ok, deep breath. Feeling much better. Thanks. :)
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
the grump continues (short pity party to follow)
Man, am I in a bad mood. Which is sad. Because I'm in a beautiful place. For Thanksgiving we are in a beautiful 1920's victorian manor on the puget sound about 30 mins from Tacoma, Washington. It's gorgeous, it's right on the water, it's green everywhere. And I am in such a grump! I have complexes.. I'm aware. However I've learned that understanding the problem is 80% in your brain doesn't really make the problem go away. You'd think it would. And maybe it does for some people.. but no matter how many times I tell myself that the vibe I'm getting is just from my own lack of self-esteem and preconceived beliefs.. it still gets to me. I don't know why I have such an insatiable need to be liked. I don't know why I take everything personally. But right now I just wanna curl up and hide.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
no fun
I'm a big ol' whiner today.. so feel free to ignore me. I am just not having as much fun with this pregnancy as I did with Ainsley. I feel way more sick, and I think last time everything was so new, and I was so beyond thrilled that we finally got preg that I took every little thing as a badge of honor or something. This time I'm being a grump. I feel like, ok, I've done this.. lets get it over with. I just remember loving being pregnant. I felt all cute and happy and fulfilled. Now I just feel like me, except tired, nauseated and cranky. Maybe I just am not remembering correctly.. who knows. I feel so guilty.. one day this child will find out that I did not enjoy being pregnant with them like I did with their sister. I already have favorites! I'm a bad mom.
I'll be 10 weeks Monday, and I just keep telling myself that once I get out of this trimester things will look up. I had my first real appt last week and my midwife (yep, I'm going with a midwife again). was examining me and discovered that some muscles that part so your uterus can grow never went back together after Ains, and that's adding to the fact that I already look preg. I'm trying to blame it on the 'i popped early 2nd time around' thing. But whatever it is, I already feel big and gross.
Ok, cranky vent over. Sorry to be a downer again. I'll try to post something silly and happy later.
I'll be 10 weeks Monday, and I just keep telling myself that once I get out of this trimester things will look up. I had my first real appt last week and my midwife (yep, I'm going with a midwife again). was examining me and discovered that some muscles that part so your uterus can grow never went back together after Ains, and that's adding to the fact that I already look preg. I'm trying to blame it on the 'i popped early 2nd time around' thing. But whatever it is, I already feel big and gross.
Ok, cranky vent over. Sorry to be a downer again. I'll try to post something silly and happy later.
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